Disclaimer-the heart of this blog was written on January 3rd as I was standing on the floor of one of the sessions at Passion 2012. The students were loading in and the session was about to start.
Well hello world. My name is Kristen and it so great to be back with you. Let me just tell you, I thought at this time last year, things were going to be a bit busy and then calm down and 2011 was going to be a “slow” year for the most part. Well, that was the biggest “misread” I’ve ever known! I’m gonna be honest-these last several months have been hard. They’ve been worth the effort and I am so grateful for each and every moment I’ve experienced. However, it doesn’t take away from the fact that they have been hard. Really since October, I have been so busy that I don’t know what time it is or what day it is half the time. It feels like all I’ve said these last 3 months is I’m sorry, what day is it, or I’ve just been crazy busy. I mean, it’s been pathetic!!
As I was standing tonight looking around me, I realized I could have missed this. I could complain or focus on the stress, the constant to dos, other miscellaneous stressors, the demands of kids, husband, friends, family etc. or I could squeeze every bit of the life contained in each moment I was given because good or bad, it’s soon gone. In 2 days, my life will go back to normalcy & I won’t care about the GA World Congress Center or the GA Dome. However it will matter how I experienced God. Did I intersect with him or did I miss him? His entire purpose is to bring glory to himself and if I insist on my self absorption, I will miss him.
Now fast forward to the week of January 15. I am in the throes of an intense work week, a sick little boy, another little boy who is missing quality time with his mom because she has been hit or miss with him for the last 6 weeks, and a few other things. I mean, I am over it and I am done. I must tell you, I live 90% of my life in my head. Most of you who know me would have no idea of the conversations I have and the struggles I have with myself in my head. If you think I am a spaz or mental case in real life, I’m not kidding, you don’t have a clue as to what goes on in my head. But truly, I would have to say my biggest struggle is that I am petrified I’m gonna mess up-mess up in parenting, mess up in being a great wife, mess up as an employee, friend, daughter and sister. And when I mess up, I don’t have an ounce of grace for myself. I have just recently learned the degree to which my perfectionism and subsequent lack of grace affects my life and it ain’t pretty. I’ve always thought of perfectionism as the girl who won’t leave the gym, admit she has ever had a zit or a bad day, and certainly has no cellulite. But I will share my struggle with ALL of these things-I even show people my cellulite by getting in a bathing suit!!! However, perfectionism is so much more than this and I’m seeing the depth that it runs through me. Trust me, I smell more posts addressing this in the upcoming months, but for now, I’m just skimming the topic.
Anywho, this week I’ve been brought face to face to the “squeezing every bit of life out of the moment” moment & I am brought to my knees with my duplicity. I mean I wasn’t squeezing every moment out of Tuesday or Wednesday-I was curled up in the corner just wanting the crying for daddy to stop. But while I’m curled in the corner, I am choking because I have heard I am supposed to enjoy these times because they will be over before I know it. I’m choking because the fear of somehow messing up is mixed with the feeling like I am holding the sand of my boys’ life in my hands and all it does is keep flowing through my fingers. But to be honest, it doesn’t come down to enjoying or not enjoying. No matter what is happening, I still need to choose joy & love & patience & gentleness& kindness & faithfulness & self control. What this really reveals is the murky distrust in my heart. Do I really trust that God holds my little guys & despite me, he’s got their best in mind ? Do I really trust that my Heavenly Father delights in me even when I lose my patience and am an utter failure on the world & Christian world’s scorecard? Do I really trust that my best is good enough in the hands of my Jesus? I do, I truly do. And in the midst of this revelation to the depths of my soul & mind and my subsequent reeling, I am reminded God is going to do whatever it takes to bring the most glory to himself. Am I going to intersect with him or am I going to miss him? I can rest in that. I can chill THE FREAK out and just giggle a little bit when Jake my 2 year old says he is going to just play one more game on the iPad and then put it up. What about you? In the midst of what God is doing to bring glory to himself in your life-are you going to join him or miss him?