I Came Unglued, Again

Unglued in the morning, unglued in the evening, unglued In the summertime.

I just made up a little tune on my 4-minute jog. Now, I’m walking and writing this with one finger.

I just darted out of my house after an embarassing unglued moment. First, I need to set the stage.

In April, I saw a difference in Ella. We went from disciplining a child to training a heart. I was giddy. It’s like waiting 5.5 years to get a promotion at your job and finally! Light! I watched her hold back her hand instead of hitting her sister. I could see her register a great choice in her heart and then beam at me. I would hear, “Mom, I’m sorry” and “Larson, you can have that first.” 

It was short lived – lasted a few weeks. Shes not awful, but were back to some basic issues that make me want to slam my head on the counter. Haven’t we covered this in our 5-year course of obedience? There have been times she can’t get enough of Bible stories and devotions. Now, she has a total tude with me and jokes about the stories and seems disinterested. Fast forward to tonight.

As I ran out of the house tonight, I started to feel really guilty and then think about if there was a pattern or a “time” when I lose it. I used to come unglued in the morning because I need caffeine and I don’t really want to serve anyone before 9 am and mine love the 6 o’clock hour. Funny, God. That’s funny. Now, I am slightly maturing and seeing my selfish ways and they are older – so calmer mornings at the DeFeo house. Oh, and Ron’s new job has allowed him to be around until 7:20 so coffee is served!

Ron got home at 6:15 tonight like normal, so we ate something average – oh wait, he cooked grilled cheese. That’s standard.  They gobbled up a few moments of playtime with him and chatted his ear off about the day. I sat still and watched for the clock to strike 7:00. Since they both don’t nap – they start losing their minds around 5:00.  So, I’m ready to peace out if you know what I mean. Oh! 7! I started screaming BEDTIME as loud as I could. They came up with 192 excues to stay up late. The mean mom said “no” like always – because they don’t sleep in E.V.E.R. Whining began and unglued feelings started to build.

I tackled the child most drunk in appearance = Larson. Done. Out. That sliced the unglued level in half. Wrangled Ella into her bed. I read 2 devotional books which she has previously LOVED and BEGGED for – she made jokes and could’ve cared less. I start boiling internally about her attitude and steam started slipping out of my ears. I know myself and I love my girl so I ended that bedtime routine quick before I left a trail. Good night, my love. Kisses. She’s upset. I’m out.

I am beat. I find my victim. It’s Ron. I come UNGLUED on him and even tell him it’s not fair, but I have some things to say. (That’s so awesome – admit your sin and then sin.) So, I unleash on my target. The gist was “I need you. I feel so responsible for their discipline, their faith, etc. It’s not going well and I need more help.” Unfair or not. True or not. Not the time or place.

I walked out door for a jog, stopped to walk and write with my thumb. Then, came right back to apologize to Ron. We talked through all of it and ended great. (Don’t disown me Grammy – I adore your precious son. Eek!)

Heres what crazy brain processed in those 4 minutes of jogging:

• Lord, why is this so HARD!? Why am I so bad at this?
• I feel so bad for doing it again, coming unglued.
• I guess I should finish UNGLUED and actually practice it
• It seems like this season (summertime, these ages) – there is a pattern to my explosions. This time of day.
• Baby stage was right before naps. Now, before or at bedtime.
• Lord, I am so sorry. I am begging for more self control and the strength to fight this. I need you.
• I don’t want to be this kind mom and have them remember going to bed this way even just a few times.
• What’s this about? My expectations being too high as a mom?
• Or me expecting way too much from a 5-year-old?
• Or, a long summer, dealing with a little girl maturing into Kindergarten age, bordeom with each other, missing family, etc. Combo of all?
  
• Am I stressed about what’s out of my control? Let God work naturally into her heart. I don’t want it forced.
• Oh, how long can one man be the victim of my outbursts?

Forgive me. To a new day.

Please tell me someone else has a day or night like this every now and then.

Unglued just came out August 7 and it is unreal. I have underlined half of the book.

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