I Want So Much More of Him

We sit around the room. Smiles on our faces.

Maybe to hide the nerves.

We don’t know each other. Not everyone.

And yet here we are.


We are moms. Daughters. Wives. Friends. Sisters.

And we are lovers of Jesus.

Girls who cannot live a single day without Him.

So we are here.


Trusting Him who brought us together.

Trusting that this place is safe.

Believing that we can grow closer to the King.

We wouldn’t be here if we didn’t want more of Him.


And me. I want so much more of Him I can hardly stand it.

This group of new friends is working through Stuck by Jennie Allen.

Tonight we talked about anger.

Who me? Anger? No. Not me.

And yet the truth is YES. IT’S ME. I KNOW IT’S ME. AND I HATE THIS PART OF ME.

If anyone saw it they would quickly judge. They would know my heart.

They would see my hurt. My faults. My disgusting sin.

Its so disgusting.


Some days I seem to handle it.

A little stink eye here. A little disobedience there.

Some jumping on the furniture here. And painting on the walls there.

And I hold it in. I have a heart talk.

I smile sweetly. And I clean up the paint (or I leave it there).

I take a deep breath and whisper Jesus’ name.

And He comes in an instant.


He shows me how to choose joy over frustration.

oh the joy. How do I choose to forget the joy so often.

LORD. THANK YOU! Thank you Jesus for six feet that walk along these floors.

Thank you for the 30 fingers that leave smudges anywhere they can reach.

God, thank you.


Then there are the not as great days.

The days it is not held in.

The days my joy is hiding and I cannot find it.

The days when all hope seems lost.

And I am doing a horrible job.

And no one seems to hear my voice. Or even care that I am here.

Ugh. This. Is. Hard.


And my life. It is a dream. And yet it is still so dang hard.

These are the days I don’t whisper His name.

These days I simply wave my arms around while raising my voice.

Begging my babies to stop whining. To start obeying.

I am desperate. I can’t see straight.

What have I done wrong. Ugh. I can feel the tension rising inside of me.

And if I don’t flee I will do something I will regret.


So I hide for a minute.

And I hit my knees.

And I cry out.

“Lord, please HELP ME! I cannot do this on my own. I cannot. I am weak. YOU are strong. Where are you? What am I doing wrong? Please HELP ME LORD. I need you.”

And He comes. He always does.



And in my desperation He tells me that this life. That seems so dull. So pointless.

It’s for His glory.

Lord. Take it.

Please. For your sake.

Take me. Take my life. Use me.

And He is.

In my brokenness. In my anger. In my sadness. In my fear.

When I run to Him. When I tell Him I am nothing without Him.

He is placed on His rightful throne.

Where He belongs.

When I get up from my knees.


The same things are happening on the other side of the door.

But inside of me has changed.

In an instant I can be made new.

When I surrender myself to the God of the Universe.

Praise Jesus for making me new.

Lord, thank you for delivering me when all else fails.


God you are good.

And this is what I share in a group of women I barely know.

Because I am there to grow.

And letting others know my struggles makes those struggles lose their grip on me.

And it’s embarrassing. But it’s also where I find freedom.

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  1. Katie! I love you! Thanks for sharing your sweet heart. Definitely had some tears flowing this morning. Adore you and your love for Jesus!

  2. my sweet friend. i don’t have to tell you – but you know how much i relate. this is the stuff social media doesn’t reveal but we all feel each day. you are amazing. thank you for putting into words the tug of our hearts and our daily grind. i love you.

  3. I absolutely love this! Thank you for so eloquently putting into writing what fills my heart sometimes and for letting me know that I am not alone. And thank you for providing hope and a place to go when those behaviors and emotions overwhelm us!!



  4. This is a wonderful post. Thank you for being open and honest. I feel the same way…about my mothering skills and anger. About opening myself up and vulnerable. I think there should be a lot more of this…of women sharing that life just isn’t always “perfect.”

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