I’m Wearing Maternity Shirts

  Yep, I’m totally wearing maternity shirts

and a pin (holding my pants together) poked me in the gut today.

Well, the shirts are made like maternity.

They cover the stomach area and tush.

I’m so mad, frustrated, sad and SO OVER IT!!!

I am so not pregnant and not planning on that.

I’m just basically too big for my clothes right now.

It’s funny to joke about for a second, I did eat my way here.

And, it’s not that much I suppose, 10-15 extra?

I just had to let you know, like everyone else that I am human.

BODY/WEIGHT/IMAGE is my biggest struggle and has been my whole life.

(MOTHER/FATHER/RON – remove guilt right now. You did nothing wrong.

I promise on the B-I-B-L-E.. you make me feel like I could win Miss America tonight.)

I’m thinking the route was many small things that added up over time.

However, I’m a 35-year-old WOMAN, mature, sensible adult that should be able to kick this battle in the face one last time.

I did get poked in the stomach today with a pin.

I do wear spanx and almost lose the ability to breathe.

I run in and strip clothes and find Ron’s t shirts and jammie pants.

I write this post and have for months while eating chips or ice cream.

I’ll go to AT Loft just to pretend I’m a size smaller and play in the skinny mirror.

I avoid shorts and bathing suits daily which is an interesting issue here in FL.

Oh, I could go on and on… but you got the picture… nut case.:)

I’ve been here before.

However, the stakes have changed. There is urgency.


And it’s these two.

You know my thoughts on BEAUTY.

I know all the right things, but something isn’t totally connecting

or this would not

CONSUME my thoughts and

DICTATE my mood every day.


do not discount my emotions and years of battle with this because you think I’m a certain size.

I’ve been every size in the world.

You just happen to see my most flattering photos.

I sort of tossed the larger sizes 2 years ago after Larson when I thought I finally “got it.”


So, I’m pissed.


I’m not alone in this and I know it.

They are many of you right now that might already be tearing up.

You know how DEEP this pain goes when you just can’t get a healthy grip on eating well and exercising.

There are some of you that have MUCH deeper pain and battles than I can ever imagine that include eating disorders and more.

I am praying for you tonight that you’ll hear my heart and that in some tiny way I get a little bit of it, not the full bit.

I am praying for your struggle and that you’ll BEG God to get in this space and help.

You feel like you can start a business, have 2 kids, move states

but FOR THE LOVE, you cannot lose some extra pounds.

It is not about how I look.

It is about how I feel.

I am a different person when I know I’m making the right choices and feeling great.

My marriage is definitely better (mama ain’t happy=nobody happy).

We are definitely “on time” when we go places.

And, I don’t need to buy as many clothes/non-important things

to make a deep wound feel better for a moment.

This is about me and God.

Do you think he is pleased with how I’m treating myself or thinking of myself right now?

It’s time I get serious about asking HIM into this place so deep in my heart.

Lord, please HEAL the wounds of comments – thought they were small, they stuck.


I want this over for me and for you (whoever relates to this).

I want to fix this for me, but most importantly for my family.

The deal is it takes hard work

and I’m a procrastinator have about 1% of self-control in my body.

My God is bigger than all of this and I believe He actually cares about something so small/big.


I hope you see my heart.

I don’t want attention or sympathy.

I want me and soooo many others out there to find rest and peace

for EXACTLY how GOD made us.

There are many of us that just need to quit striving for goals that aren’t attainable or normal.

The world’s standards have jacked up our minds.

Or, if we are ready to make some changes, for the right reasons,

have the courage to email a friend (or me, courtney@lillightomine.com) TONIGHT.

Get mad, cry or kick something.

I don’t care – just don’t let the devil hold onto this area for another day like me.

If you are OVER IT…

you can use someone else’s name or even initials if you like,

just enter


to enter to win this.

Made to Crave

I had the pleasure of meeting with Lysa earlier this year and she gave me TWO copies to giveaway.

I stole the third and highlighted almost every other line!

I’ll pick TWO people at random that enter by saying “OVER IT.”

You can certainly share your thoughts too if you like.

Those with success stories of beating this at a deeper level,

please feel free to comment.

Only the OVER IT commenters will be entered in for the books.


I am reading it for the second time right now and committing.

No more excuses.

There’s never going to be a non-busy time.

If it’s important, I need to make time. Cancel things.

I believe it’s more than 80 percent of my closet being useful, it’s about my relationships (God, family) and taking care of myself.

If it takes me getting up at 5 am, just need to find someone to join me.


A fresh start.

I typically sabatoge myself with chocoalate and fries by Wednesday.

I’m going to celebrate if I make it to Friday this week. 🙂


FINAL NOTES: I will delete this before kids could ever read. And I do believe I do a good job of hiding this issue from them. I have my closed door moments in the closet or cry or talk about it when they aren’t listening (oh I pray I do). I am so aware of the future ahead of them.

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