It’s a daily dying to self that must occur.
Everyday I wake up to,
“The Lord is my strength and my Joy” Psalm 118:14, next to my bedside table.
Everyday I try for my first thought to be,
“Lord help me do YOUR will and keep YOUR commands.”
(A prayer that I stole from our pastor a few years ago.)
And everyday I forget.
I struggle hour by hour to focus on storing up treasures in heaven.
I struggle to focus my time and energies on things of eternal value.
I struggle to not search frantically for relief in some of the louder moments.
I struggle at times to determine how much God cares if I “detox” on mindless reality tv?
I struggle to stay focused on anything other than……………myself.
There I said it.
I do love others. I do want to storm the gates of heaven grabbing treasures from around the globe and take them to Jesus where they will know complete love and become whole.
I do want to mobilize families to face their fears and ADOPT!
I do want families to realize that adoption is a gift to THEM, not their child. (Maybe not the message you usually hear, but the actual truth if you ask adoptive families.)
I do want to adopt again.
But sometimes I just want a nap.
Sometimes I just want everyone to be quiet for a few days so I can hear myself think again.
Sometimes I just want to BE without all the other.
This isn’t a post about guilt or shame.
This is about running a race authentically.
This is about fighting a very real battle on earth.
This is about locking arms with other believers when we are on our highs and pouring out while spending our free moments filling up.
Lately, I’ve been filling up on music.
I love these lyrics from the chorus of one of Chris Tomlin’s new songs, Awake.
“Awake, awake, awake my soul,
God resurrect these bones
From death to life, through you alone
Awake my soul”
It hits me just where I am. It keeps me pressing on towards this fire the Lord put in me for orphans and Africa when 167 million starts to look like only a number. It helps me to remember the ONE boy, Gaster (right) who has the most beautiful smile.
It reminds me that Harriett believes she is like dirt and doesn’t deserve the dignity of showing her beauty. It reminds me of Gado, our sponsored boy in the Phillipines who is learning about Jesus and may be a legacy for his country because of an opportunity he may have with Compassion International.
It reminds me that I want my life to count and it snaps me back awake from my sleep, from my rest to get back in the race, no matter how long my rest has been I ask the Lord if he would allow me the honor of a role in HIS story because after all his stories are the ones that I’m living for.