“Yes. I finally figured out youversion on my phone. An online study. That’s what I need. I’m totally committed. All in. Nothing’s going to stop me n….. “
Day 1 of new online bible study: woke up jazzed and did devo. A little discouraged because I couldn’t understand the scripture. ok. Deep breath. Not letting that get to me. No coffee. Now it’s getting major. Car wouldn’t start. Very major already. Husband is mad because he had to go out in 35 degrees in boxers to work on car. Late to pick up carpool. Need coffee. Supposed to be working but NEED COFFEE! Anyone with me? Forgot wallet to buy coffee but remembered that I had a free drink on phone. This day will turn around yet. Get told that drink is expired but dug and found voucher for a free small coffee which might as well be a sip to tantalize me. Ugly trick. Daughter’s coughing and sneezing on the way to school which I conveniently ignored and so unsurprisingly she got kicked out of class. Go get daughter from school which blew my hopes of getting work done. Didn’t have all ingredients for dinner so made husband go get the onions. Grocery store is right up there with a broadway show for this husband. Making dinner discovered onions weren’t the only thing I was missing – how did I miss it the first AND SECOND time I was looking at the recipe? Don’t know but its typical me. I was excited about dinner but not now. Get out the frozen tamales to make in the microwave because our oven doesn’t work right now. Immediately forgot the oven situation so made cookie dough but THE OVEN DOESN’T WORK right now. Knock-knock, McFly. Will this day end.
Anyone with me?
Changing subjects here… first, let’s look at something everyone wants to see! 🙂 My first baby at 6 months old!
This is Maddox about 6 years ago. I’ll never forget something small but that happened around this time of our lives because it has impacted me ever since then. I felt trapped (and again, anyone with me?) by my own anxiety. I was in tears one night trying to listen to him cry and not go in … again … and my husband asked me a question that, as I said, I remember it to this day. Something like “have you opened the Bible recently?”
My thoughtful, wise reply, “OF COURSE!” was more like biting his head off and I didn’t want to think about it anymore. But it rang in my head. I knew I hadn’t. Been in the Bible. For real. You know what for-real looks like. My relationship with God had become more like “please help me get a shower … please help me be able to get me and my son out of our house … please let him sleep … please help me sleep!” Yes, our huge God of the universe knows me and understands what I am dealing with and my crazies. He doesn’t demand anything from me. He gives me grace daily when I never deserve it. But there is a point that I had to get over myself and all my excuses and put him first again. No matter what. That was the only way I got out of that funk that time.
Open. The. Bible.
Despite the forces against me. And they were there. He met me. He didn’t give me an answer and a feel-better fix even when I wanted that. Those don’t last. He gave me his infinite self. I plunge into time with him, however it looks. Yes, sometimes it is music and prayer in the car and many many times it is a help-me prayer but when I regularly get up with the alarm at zero dark thirty when all is quiet, THAT is where he comes alive to me and meets me so graciously. That is why the commitment to the new bible study plan lasted far beyond that crazy November day. He is bigger than the forces against me.
“Early when the day is new
Long before the stirring
I will come and talk to you
And confess the ways I am broken
To recall the words you’ve spoken
And to try to comprehend
The love you have for me
You are my hiding place…” -Sara Groves
Since then, I have oft been overwhelmed but now, with a 6, 4 and 1 year old, I am much less trapped by my own anxiety then I was when I just had the one baby. Coincidence? I don’t think so. Supernatural? Definitely. The difference? Me and Jesus. Alone.
Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. – James 4:8
Early works for me but what works for you?