Any time I begin a sentence with ‘I went to my counselor today’….you can expect it will be enlightening and informative because I truly have learned so much over the last six months. Lisa has uncovered things in me that were buried so deep that no key could ever unlock…so I thought. The Holy Spirit had other thoughts on that.
Today was one of those days….
It sounds crazy but I tend to struggle with acceptance…like ‘myself’ kind of acceptance. I am a self-professed over-achiever as many of you know. I struggle accepting unmerited favor otherwise known as GRACE from the Lord because I have been a ‘merit’ badge earning crazy person my whole life. I mean my Girl Scout vest looks like Joseph’s coat of many colors I had so many. It’s ridiculous. So, today I was ‘forced’ to think of how I could accept my self-proclaimed short-comings as a mother and ‘forced’ (I use this term in a total comedic fashion because it is so stinking hard for me to do this) to think about how God sees my self-diagnosed fails in my parenting. Please, please do not write in the comments about what an amazing mom that I am. I am by no means fishing for any kind of compliment I am just trying to remember my precious times at night with my son and what God does through that little man that ‘gets’ me like no preaching or worship experience or retreat ever could. That’s all.
Bottom line – I really struggled to think of what ‘accepting’ looks like for me.
I could answer the ‘Jesus portion’ of the quiz, but my heart struggles to believe that he looks at me blameless because of the empty grave. The reason I struggled to believe today was because I have days where I feel like I’m failing. My kid kicks his friend at the pool, and then he acts like a selfish twit (which he is not in CHRIST but he was in that moment and I did not say that to him). Then, my daughter has an opinion. (I mean, ‘WHY do you need an opinion?! I don’t have time for that because your brother kicked his friend!’ UGH!!!!!) Do you relate? Am I on an island here? And if so, I’m fine with that because it is my journey with Him and HIS perfect plan to redeem me from my moral compass for me and my kids to HIS all encompassing grace and love.
So I chewed on that all afternoon and then I get in bed to read to Davis. First, you must get the Jesus Storybook Bible. It’s amazing and will totally make the bible come alive as a story. We read about David and Goliath (a boy’s favorite) and we read about Joseph. In this bible, it emphasized two or three times how God had used all the bad for good in Joseph’s story and in the story of Jesus, and I would say in OUR story.
We rolled over to our nightly back-scratching routine and then began one of the sweetest conversations I have ever had with my child. As I scratched his back, I told him that one day he would ask his wife to scratch his back and because she loves him so much she will. He teared up and began to weep at the thought of me being ‘old and wrinkly’ when he’s married to this precious girl that I will call daughter one day. Oh…my…word…sweet does not even describe the conversation that transpired about life and marriage and how he wanted to have kids and getting old and getting a job (which was one of the main reasons he didn’t want to leave me…lol).
And then after the tears flowed and I finally convinced him that the wife thing is really going to work out well for him one day he said this…
“Mom, you are so amazing.”
That was it. It was as if the FATHER himself spoke those words to my wounded, beat up, single mom ‘trying so hard to parent well’ self.
And I said, ‘Davis, thank you for saying that because I have not ‘felt’ so amazing today and you have no idea how much that just encouraged me. And he pursued, ‘Mom, just COME TELL ME when you are feeling that way and I will remind you that you are amazing.’
I can hardly write this for the tears….
And that is what MY SWEET DADDY says to me ‘Come to me sweet girl, and I will give you rest. My YOKE is easy and my burden is LIGHT.’ But….you have to come TO ME..not your little man. Come drink and remind yourself that I see you as righteous and blameless and flat out amazing.
So tonight for anyone who needs the reminder in the words of Jesus and sung so well by Bruno….’Girl, you’re amazing, just the way you are.’